A Minor Event of the (very) Late War

(Came across these documents while researching my next historical fiction, which is set in the War of 1812. In order to read between the lines, you must realize that dueling was illegal but not unknown. Consequently, the British [Canadian] reports have no qualms about explaining what these fellows were doing rowing out at dawn to an island in the Niagara, between the British and American lines, while the American report is couched in more discreet terms though I doubt the editor was much fooled. I would also suggest that Lieutenant FitzGibbon and his party of Irish misfits were anticipating Lee Marvin's fictional "separate command" by quite a few years and that there may have been a bit of laughter among the troops at the plight of these young gentlemen.)

Aquadog at 10 months

I've had ridgebacks for 25 years, and, in that time, I've known some who hated water and some who would go into the water up to their bellies and no further.

But Vaska has somehow become a swimmer, goaded on by his best friend, Bogey, and his other buddies, all of whom have no problem at all racing into the river after a stick. For a time, Vaska would act like a proper ridgeback, walking out until his feet threatened to leave the ground, and watching until the others came back within reach, then joining in the wrassling match as they came back onto dry land.

Life is too exciting, however, for such limitations. At the top, he joins in the race for the stick in the Connecticut River, along with Bogey, the chocolate lab in the lead, and Star, the yellow lab in second place. They're built for swimming and he's not, but he refuses to be left behind.

And here you see that he's certainly willing to join in the tussle over who would bring the stick ashore, and he doesn't wait until everyone is touching bottom to enter the fray.

But, while it took the excitement of a stick chase to get him in at first, he's now perfectly comfortable in the water under far more relaxed circumstances, as seen in this scene shot in the White River, with Guinness and Guinness's little blonde-haired mistress.



All this playfulness and non-ridgeback-style comfort with water, however, hasn't undermined the courageous lion-hunter's natural instinct for confronting danger.

I should have named him "Leiningen."

You have a good day, too, Uncle Duke!


(This piece was written in November, 1969, and was submitted to the University of Colorado Writers Workshop the following spring, earning me a fellowship and praise from Harlan Ellison, who called it "a Marx Brothers landscape." It was then revised slightly in the fall of 1971 and submitted to The Rolling Stone, where it was memorably rejected by someone I greatly suspect to have been Dr. Hunter Thompson. That abusive, obscene rejection letter, which is framed over my desk, is being reprinted at "Letters of Note," and I thought it would be interesting to let readers there see what brought it about. And I think readers here will find that blog worth visiting, too. Even when Uncle Duke isn't [apparently] writing the material.) 

 

ACT I

(The curtain opens on a cross sectional view of a giant human head. The outer rim is bright blue with a red stripe representing the skull. The brain proper is divided into little rooms like the layout of a ship or a science fiction rocket. In the rooms, little tiny men can be seen running to and fro, up and down by means of hatchways and elevators. Some are sitting at desks, typing and answering phones. In one room, there is a scene of a family of four watching television and eating Fritos and drinking Coca Cola. In another room, a woman in leather is flagellating a writhing masochist in ecstasies of pain. In another room, three men in Day-Glo clown costumes are determining the fate of the world. In another room, two people are smoking a water-pipe and listening to Abbey Road. In another room, two people are making love and listening to old Beach Boys albums and laughing an awful lot. In another room, a teacher is explaining the Crito to a roomful of freshmen in glen plaid slacks and penny loafers and London Fog jackets who are picking their noses and whispering. In another room, another teacher is picking his nose to a roomful of freshmen who are taking notes. In another room, someone is dying and the priest is preparing Last Rites and trying not to laugh at the family who are in the other room steaming open the will. In another room, Annette Funicello is surfing with Frankie Avalon on an ironing board, clad only in a floor length one piece bathing suit with turtle neck and long sleeves. Frankie Avalon is being titillated. In another room, a young couple is falling in love over a bottle of Lancers and an order of garlic bread. In another room, someone is crying while his friends try not to laugh thinking about their own hang-ups. In another room, two turtledoves are discussing cinema verite. In another room, Eric Clapton is trying to fix his amplifier in time to play before he stops rushing, and cursing an awful lot. In another room, an old maid is sweeping up around a large mahogany desk, and helping herself to a box of cigars. In another, room is being made for another room.)

ACT II

(The camera pans over a landscape of snowcapped mountains and pines. It centers on one particularly large mountain, which looks to be the Matterhorn. As we are zoomed into a close up, we begin to see a small log cabin about five hundred yards from the summit. Smoke is pouring from the chimney. We are by now looking through the window, where a cheery fire is burning in the fireplace, and being reflected off the pine paneling of the walls. The cabin appears to be empty, but as we look in front of the hearth, we see a couple sitting naked on a bearskin rug gazing into the flames and passing a joint. They are not touching, nor do they look at each other. A small gray and white cat passes before them and pauses for a second in front of the fire. Then it leaps into the fire, where it turns into a panther, and then bursts into a blue flame and is sucked up the chimney into the air above the cabin. The boy turns to the girl and speaks.)
 

BOY: (handing the joint to the girl) Oh wow. Did you see what the cat just did?
GIRL: Is that what that was, a cat?
BOY: Yeah. What did you think it was?
GIRL: I don't know, man, but I didn't know it was a cat. If I had …
BOY: If you had what?
GIRL: If I had known … that that was a cat.
BOY: Well, what if you had known that it was a cat?
GIRL: Yeah, what if?
BOY: Say, what are you doing tomorrow?
GIRL: I have to go home. I forgot my deodorant.
BOY: You can use mine.
GIRL: Thanks, but I'd rather have my own. I feel more secure.
BOY: What’s wrong with my deodorant?
GIRL: Nothing. I just like having my own deodorant. Makes me feel, you know, more independent. Liberated.
BOY: Well, I don't know why you use my toothbrush and my mouthwash and even my razor but you can't use my deodorant.
GIRL: Did you see that cat a minute ago?
BOY: Is that what that was, a cat?
GIRL: What did you think it was?
BOY: A cat. I knew it was a cat. It was my cat. Its name was Delilah and it slept next to the stove and ate chicken and hamburger. It was two years old and killed mice and small birds and laid them at my feet. It had four kittens a year ago. It shedded like crazy for a while until I fed it a small lizard.
GIRL: Did it stop shedding?
BOY: Oh yeah, immediately. But there were some side-effects.
GIRL: Such as?
BOY: I think that was one of them. Do we have any more lizards in the medicine cabinet?

ACT III

                                                              i wish that i could
                                                                        talk to e.e. cummings.
                                                                                         I would say
           e.e., do you                        realize
                             the effect
                                        the influence
                                                    of your p
                                                               o
                                                               e
                                                               t
                                                               r
                                                   eht no  y                                           yrteop 
                                 eht no
                     fo selyts
      p etaigelloc
      o
      e
      t
      s
      ?
                             he would
                      probably nod and
                                he
                                         might
                                                     a
                                                        p
                                                          o
                                                             l
                                                               o
                                                                 g
                                                                   i
                                                                     z
                                                                       e.
                                                         

ACT IV

(Still here? Did you remember your gloves? Good. The scene opens on the floor of the Grand Canyon. Two burros are attacking a tourist. The Park Ranger is attempting to MACE the burros, who are protected by their long  winter coats and their abnormally long eyelashes. The wind shifts and the  MACE drifts off into a village of prairie dogs who immediately succumb and fall backwards and head-first into their burrows, where they become wedged in awkward positions.)

INTERMISSION

(Orange drink is available in the lobby at the phenomenal price of $15 a carton. The cartons, however, prove to be only half-full! The straws are very narrow and collapse easily. You forget your matches and have to ask a stranger for a light. Your date is mortified at your flirting and general incompetence. You inadvertently burn a hole in the carpet with a stray ash, and several people notice the smoke before you do. There is a general panic which your date resolves by pouring $7.50 worth of orange drink on the spot. The stench is horrendous. Your date fixes you up with one of the ushers and goes home. The usher keeps shining his flashlight on the ceiling.)

ACT V

(We switch back to the cabin, where the young couple is snorting a lizard preparatory to making love.)
BOY: Oh wow. I can hardly wait to finish this.
GIRL: Me neither. It will be such fun.
BOY: I hate my parents. That is why I am going to make love to you.
GIRL: I hate the establishment. That is why I am snorting this lizard.
BOY: I hate cops and teachers and all civic authorities.
GIRL: I hate motherhood and the flag and apple pie.
BOY: I hate circuses and hot dogs and baseball games.
GIRL: I hate church and the Girl Scouts.
BOY: I hate TV dinners and the Boy Scouts.
GIRL: I like straight people.
BOY: I like … wait a minute. What did you just say?
GIRL: I like straight people.
BOY: You're not supposed to like straight people.
GIRL: I don't like all straight people. But some straight people are pretty nice.
BOY: Yeah, well, some of my best friends are straight people. I got nothing against them. They sure can dance. But I still wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
GIRL: I wouldn't want her to, either.
BOY: I got nothing against straight people. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
GIRL: God, no. I hate marriage.
BOY: I hate pigeons and squirrels and cotton candy.
GIRL: I hate Johnny Carson and my parish priest.
BOY: I hate Glen Campbell and Arthur Godfrey.
GIRL: I hate the boy next door and color TV.
BOY: I hate breakfast and beer.

ACT VI

(Fourteen pregnant pandas are filing paternity suits against An-an or Chi-chi, as soon as they figure out which is the male. Meanwhile, the Russians are rounding up character witnesses in the event that they discover their bear to be a male. Chi-chi and An-an are trying to remember.)

ACT VII

(An aerial shot of the Santa Anita freeway, showing a traffic jam consisting entirely of old buses painted in Day-glo paisley containing freaks off to do their own thing.)

ACT VIII

 
(Two sentries at Elsinore: Thodwick and Benvenuto)
Thodwick: What time is it'?
Benvenuto: The clock has but struck.
Thodwick: T'is a nipping and eager air.
Benvenuto: Sure is. Where the hell is Horatio?
Thodwick: Hold your tongue. I hear something.
GHOST: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark!
Thodwick: Hark ye! He calls the Prince!
GHOST: I am the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come!
Thodwick: You're lost, man. This Is Denmark.
GHOST: I know, I know.
Benvenuto: What happened to the other guy?
GHOST: You mean Hamlet's father?
Benvenuto: Yeah.
GHOST: Bad earache, man, couldn't make it.
Benvenuto: Well, what do you want?
GHOST: Another lizard, please. And make it a long one.

ACT THE NINTH

  (Amid the splendor of a sylvan glade, three satyrs are mugging a young nymph. A Centaur enters at right, and they run off, leaving the girl behind. She thanks the centaur and gives him a kiss. They ride off into the sunset, to the utter amazement of all, since it is one o'clock in the afternoon.)

DIXIEME PARTIE

(The entire cast ad-libs a completely tasteless, meaningless nude scene, grossing out not only the audience, but each other as well. At the end, they select the best actor by use of a meter indicating how many people walked out on his account. Other actors count as two members of the audience. The winner is given a $25,000 bonus and is beheaded.)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

    Charles got off the train without a word to Eve. As the train pulled out, she watched him walk to his car without looking back.
    "Who was that masked man?” the porter asked.
    "Which masked man?" Eve answered. "There have been so many, I may have forgotten one or two."
    “The one who was running up and down the aisle naked but for a pair of argyle socks, making improper suggestions to several of the young ladies present."
    "I don’t know," whispered Eve, gazing at the rising moon, "but I wanted to thank him.”

CANTO XII

249  I clattered over mountain trail                                   249.  The Song
        To help the elk to quell the quail.                                      of Oedicox
        I clashed on moss and tripped on vines,
        I bit the fork to mesh the tines.
        I stripped the truth and fed the lies
        On bigot blood and apple pies.
255  I helped to stop the wild oat seed
        With a massive dose of LSD
        Which nurtured minds as smooth as silk
        And turned their brains to curdled milk,
        Then skimmed the curds, and sold the whey
        To other souls who thought it fey.

261   Oh woe to thee, oh wicked knight,                             261.   Oedicox
        Who dragged the dragon's corpse to light,                           lays a
        And brought upon the land a blight.                                      heavy 
        A curse upon thee, wicket king,                                             curse on 
265 Who sought the fairies dancing ring,                                      the house
        And smote the griffon on the wing.                                        of Nadir
        Fie upon thee, maiden fair,
        With silver cowbells in your hair;
        A wealth of changelings shalt thou bear
 
270.  But love go with thee, kith and kin,                          270. Love song
        For thou hath saved my fiscal skin,                                   of
        and caused the GNP to grin,                                            Oedicox
        And all the dreams contained therein,
275. Shall live to praise your deadly sin,
        And they shall kill you, raise a din,
        And mount a motto on a pin;
        “[ Your name here] has Never Been!”

ACT THIRTEEN

A terrible tragedy will befall anyone who watches, performs or reads this act. You will be chosen to emcee a late night talkshow for the next fifteen years. Your sidekick is Lester Maddox. Your first guests will be Shirley Temple Black, David and Julie Eisenhower, and three members of the Ice Follies.

__________________________________________

(Footnote: The Doonesbury excerpted above was also posted over my desk for several years as a reminder to quit and go to bed at some point. Here it is, from January 8, 1975.)

UPON FURTHER REVIEW:

A question has arisen about whether the letter is original or a form letter. It has been quoted multiple times on the Internet, and it turns out was cited in “Gonzo: The Life of Hunter S. Thompson” as something he provided the magazine as a prepackaged rejection letter. 

Here is the passage, from page 138, one of a series of anecdotes from former RS staffers, this from Charles Perry:

After ‘Fear and Loathing,’ people in Colorado were giving him stuff they’d written, thinking he could get them in ‘Rolling Stone.’ I was the poetry editor, and he sent me a package of poems from other people once, with a note that said, ‘I don’t know about this stuff. If you feel the same way, send it back with to them with this.’ He included a prepackaged rejection letter that said,

(full text of letter follows, including the reference to South Bend)

We actually sent it out to a few people, thinking they would appreciate it. One person took it to a lawyer and asked if he could sue us, and the lawyer said, ‘No, you don’t have a leg to stand on … but could I Xerox it?’”

Here's my analysis:

1. My copy predates this. I don't recall the specific date I received the letter, but I do recall reading it while walking from the mailbox to the kitchen door of a house I lived in from May to the end of October, 1971. "Fear and Loathing" was serialized in Rolling Stone the next month, by which time I was living in Mishawaka, (which I mark by knowing that we had Thanksgiving there.) The book version of "Fear and Loathing" was released the following year.

2. My copy is hand-typed, with the impressions and punch-through periods of a typewriter, as well as impressions of an actual "signature." 

3. The copy Thompson sent includes the phrase "drab South Bend cocksuckers," and while I will contest the first and last of those descriptors, I was living in South Bend. It seems improbable that he would hand-type a form letter simply for the pleasure of adding a specific town.

It seems probable that Thompson wrote the letter that hangs on my wall and was so delighted with his handiwork that he made a copy of it, which he then sent to San Francisco, where it became an office legend if not a standard piece of correspondence after all. 

And, for the record, I did appreciate it, once I got to the P.S. and stopped hyperventilating.

A Classic Case of Boredom

(Children's author and middle-school ELA teacher Kate Messner has written a brilliant column on summer reading lists that is a must-read, and inspired me to dig up this column, written for the Press-Republican of February 3, 1989 and copyrighted by them.)

Nobody reads the classics anymore, and I'm not surprised. Nobody ever did.

Oh. they talk a good game, but, when it comes down to genuine cultural literacy, most of those back-to-basics types are blowing a lot of smoke and flashing a lot of mirrors.

An article in this paper, discussing the Board of Regents's plans to revamp social studies, decried the lack of reading among our young people.

"Reading books like The Three Musketeers or Kipling's Gunga Din is an easy way to sneak in history lessons," the article concluded, neatly deleting the quotation marks around titles, which are required by our style book. It also neatly deleted the fact that, aside from whether or not we want our children taking Kipling's imperialistic bombast as history, "Gunga Din" isn't a book. It's a poem.

It's not even a terribly long poem; only 84 lines. That's probably just as well, because it isn't a terribly good poem, either. There's nobody blowing a trumpet on a temple roof with his dying breath. That was Sam Jaffe, saving Cary Grant and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and someone else wonderfully dashing whom I've forgotten. Gary Cooper or somebody.

Anyway, it isn't in Kipling's poem, which is about an Indian waterbearer who drags a soldier to safety under fire and how amazing it is that non-English people can be heroic, too. "An' for all 'is dirty ide, 'E was white, clear white, inside," the poet marvels, in that impenetrable dialect, that made Kipling's doggerel so popular among those who only heard real dialect from their servants.

Anyway, "Gunga Din" is a poem, not a book, and we shouldn't chide our children for not reading the things we haven't read either.

There are a lot of great books nobody has ever really managed to get through. The proof is in the location of their most famous scenes. Every famous scene of every great book occurs in the first few pages, except the death of Achilles in "The Iliad," which doesn't actually occur at all in "The Iliad."

Every other famous scene, you will find the first time you sit down with the book, because there is never a second time.

Whatever happens in the final 75 percent of a great book is known only to the author and the author's mother. No one else has ever made it past the beginning.

For example:

My copy of "Oliver Twist" is 428 pages long. Oliver says, "Please, sir, I want some more," on page 13.

"Don Quixote," in the Penguin edition, is 940 pages long. He tilts with the windmills on page 68.

There are 803 pages in the Everyman's Library edition of Sir Thomas Malory's "Morte D'Arthur." Young Arthur pulls the sword out of the stone on page 11.

"Uncle Tom's Cabin" is 244 pages long. Eliza races across the river, jumping from ice cake to ice cake, on page 30, and that's pretty much it for Eliza, who is only a minor character in the book.

But my favorite unread classic is "War and Peace," which, everyone knows, is about Boris and Natasha. We even have a pair of cartoon characters named for Boris and Natasha.

Well, the Norton Critical Edition of "War and Peace" is 1,351 pages long. Boris and Natasha kiss on page 45. By page 251, she confesses that she can't remember what he looks like and isn't going to bother writing to him after all. What do you expect? She's only 13 years old when the book opens, and won't marry until she is 20.

Some readers are voracious and will read anything — cereal boxes, Harlequin romances, even the Speak Out column. A few of them have read some of the great books. They read because it is fun, because they enjoy it and because they are compulsive information addicts. But they are, and have always been, a minority.

Some of the rest might become readers, but the quickest way to stifle a young reader is to throw all those tired old warhorses at him, like "Huckleberry Finn," which was never intended for children anyway or "Treasure Island," which is far too full of chat and too short of action.

Why not give them some quality books that someone might really want to read, like "the Chronicles of Narnia" or the Little House books?

I read "Animal Farm" when I was about 9, because I thought it was about animals, and it was, sort of. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it a whole lot more than Treasure-bloody-Island, which I couldn't get through to save my life.

If you want kids to read, read to them when they are young and then make books available to them.

But don't shove a "great" book down a kid's throat just because somebody shoved it down yours.

And, by the way, if you want to appear culturally literate, don't go around letting people know you think that "Gunga Din" is a book.

Vaska at 0.667 Years Old

So Vaska has turned eight months old and is closing in on nine. He's training up real well and without a lot of need for specific training sessions: He knows what is expected of him and does his best, with the understanding that he is a hound.

Which means, for instance, that the car is not going to be scratched because, as much as he wants to go for a ride, he will stand on the top step of the porch and look at me while I order him into the car. He'll come in his own good time, or, more likely, after I walk back to the porch and take his collar, at which point he'll placidly walk to the car door and get in.

Or take this morning: We have two main places we go to play, the Dog Park, where it is enclosed and he wrestles and runs with the other dogs, or the Wilder Dam, a wide-open strip of riverside park where there is open park play but also a lot more running-through-the-brush involved.

This morning, we went down to the Dog Park, but there was nobody there, so, after a short stay, we went out to get back in the car and go see what was happening at Wilder. But Vaska did not go from the park gate to the car.

Instead, he ignored my calling and trotted away around a bit of woods and down a short path to check the banks of the White River, where people often take their dogs for a quick dip. Once he saw that nobody was there, he came right to the car and got in. Just checking, Dad.

Here he is with his friends Bogey, a chocolate Lab, and Amos, a small Munsterlander, having some good clean fun on the shores of the Connecticut River, at the Wilder Dam park. By the way, this was taken a few weeks ago, and Vaska is now about two or three inches taller than the other two. We're not sure they've noticed.

Bogey is his best friend, and the two of them are apt to start rassling as soon as they meet, with virtually no greeting. Either that or they will begin a game of keep-away. A few weeks ago, I noticed that Vaska was developing a short of leopard-skin tone under his throat, which I thought at first was simply an unusual color pattern.

But I also found myself petting him at night and thinking I had found a tick on his neck, only to realize it was a small scab. Turns out Bogey also has these small puncture wounds all over his throat. Now, it is a rule of dog judging that "scars of honor" do not count against a dog who is being shown, but the rules are silent on the topic of "scars of idiocy."

What I like about the rassling matches that Vaska gets into with Bogey and also his good friend Tanner, who is a pit bull mix of some sort, is that they readily switch positions during the game. The three share an endearing generosity of spirit and have no need to be "top dog." They have a wonderful time just beating the living bejabbers out of each other and we don't have to intervene. In fact, you'll hear in the background of this vicious dogfight a discussion of yard sales. The kids are playing, the moms are talking, life is good.

And Vaska is still a puppy in many ways. Here he is running towards me, and you can see that he still has the rocking-horse gait of a puppy, and a tendency to "pounce" that is also the mark of a puppy.

But our little boy is growing up. He has started taking an interest in checking the p-mail on lampposts and trees as we walk, though he's a few weeks away from thinking to add his own comments. More to the point, the other day we arrived at the Dog Park to find Buster there, a pit/lab mix who is something of a bully. Buster was in the process of picking on some of the other dogs, playing way too rough, like the sort of obnoxious jock who throws elbows in a game of playground hoops.

He grabbed Vaska by the back of his neck and threw him down, which is fair play, but then held him and wouldn't let him up. A few weeks ago, the puppy would have squealed for help, but Vaska got himself free and then made it quite clear that he didn't expect, under any circumstances, for any reason, to be treated like that again. It was a little scary, but it was simply a quick moment of strong assertion. The message was delivered without physical contact and then, the moment having passed, the group went on to play, with Buster behaving himself.

After Buster and his owner had left, other owners were pleased, chuckling about it, calling him the "Dog Park Police" and telling me they appreciated him doing what the other dogs weren't able to. And that may be where it stays: He's such a good-spirited, friendly, outgoing fellow that he may simply grow to be the big guy with a sense of propriety and self-control.

I hope that's the case, and my experience with ridgebacks suggests that there's a good chance it will work out that way. But the next six to eight months will be an interesting time, because my preference is to let Vaska remain intact until he is about 14 to 16 months old, for reasons mostly having to do with skeletal development. However, if he begins to show signs of throwing his weight around in an unacceptable manner, the snip will come sooner.

In any case, my little boy is about to enter puberty, and the process with dogs is not terribly different than with kids. There will be some testing and a little rebellion. And it has already become a source of amusement: Vaska is very vocal when he plays, and, lately, he has begun to bark like a deep-throated, frightening timber wolf, but there are still times when his adolescent voice breaks into a shrill puppy yip and everyone falls over laughing.

Bottom line: This is one hell of a good dog and we're having a lot of fun together.

I have officially become an old crank

Maybe I've just spent too much time hunched over a keyboard with my friends consisting of disembodied names and messages from every part of the globe except this one.

But I have become an old crank.

I don't yell at kids to get off my lawn. In fact, some of the neighborhood kids were over playing with the dog a few days ago and I'd welcome them back (as would he).

No, I've become one of those loveable, tiresome old cranks who writes letters to editors complaining about mistakes in grammar.

Let me correct that: Complaining about one mistake in grammar.

I don't deny that it is a personal thing, that this particular error drives me up the wall and I am simply indulging in self-therapy by complaining. Nor do I deny that I'm being a pain in the ass.

But let me just share the letter I have been sending out, which will explain it perfectly well, I hope. I have this letter in a file on my desktop and, when I feel the need, I simply cut-and-paste it into an email, add the particulars in two places to make it specific to the case at hand, and send it off.

It reads:

As a former reporter and editor, I used to hate people who would seemingly reduce a story to a grammatical error they had spotted, but this is one that is becoming an epidemic and that changes the meaning of a sentence. It is also, of course, a pet peeve of mine or I wouldn't bother. (Letters like this are why you make the big bucks.) 

(Insert paragraph citing incorrect usage in case at hand, which is invariably "may have" in place of "might have.")

Most writers and editors realize that, in speculating against fact, you use "were" rather than "was" -- If I were in your shoes, If I were a rich man -- and that "if I was" implies uncertainty -- "If I was there, I don't remember it."

But "may have" and "might have" carry the same requirement, and the difference in meaning can be genuinely confusing. 

Where it becomes an issue is in sentences like "The criminal may have escaped" versus "The criminal might have escaped."

If he might have escaped, well, thank goodness he didn't. If he may have escaped, somebody should go have a look in his jail cell and find out.

Again, a bit of a pet peeve, but, perfection aside, it's an error that makes the reporter look stupid: "Police said wearing a seat belt may have saved his life" is a foolish sentence if the lede was "John Smith died in a car accident."

(Insert paragraph pointing out that meaning and usage in case at hand were obviously in conflict. Add polite closing.)

I get polite responses. So did Lazlo Toth.

Well, whatever. I feel better about it because I'm not sitting there thinking "Idiots! Idiots!"

Instead, I'm sitting there thinking, "Your children are going to have to have you locked up."

"How long will it be before 'Forrest Gump' technology becomes the standard tool for spicing up news coverage?"

This is the latest bogus video to hit the Internets, and the latest to be produced as a commercial -- this one for Gillette -- and then  "leaked" to create a stir. (An earlier example, a Gatorade spot purporting to show a ball girl making an impossible leaping grab, can be seen here.)

This piece appeared on the Huffington Post which -- once it had lured readers into clicking and adding to the statistics they show their advertisers -- admitted that it knew the piece was phony all along. While I guess we should be grateful they owned up to the fraud, it's not like they discovered the video was fake and decided not to post it. I was reminded of a column I wrote back in July, 1994, to which I would only add that, having since begun toning photos for print, I'm more forgiving of the TIME Magazine cover of OJ (who had only been arrested a few weeks before this column ran). 

Oh, and I would also add,  "I told you so."

 

Technological media tricks feed public paranoia

The Press-Republican, Plattsburgh NY, July 17, 1994

If I believed in synchronicity, I'd be convinced that the convergence of the O.J. Simpson trial, the release of "Forrest Gump"and the 25th anniversary of the first moon landing was intended as a cosmic warning to the media.

   Following the moon landing in 1969, feature stories began to appear about people who believed the government had faked the whole thing.

   In 1978, Hollywood capitalized on  that paranoid disbelief with a movie about a phony Mars landing staged on a desert soundstage to fool the American public.

   One of the stars of that movie, "Capricorn One," was former football star O.J. Simpson. Today, we have feature stories showing that a significant number of people do not believe Simpson guilty of murder.

   Some of these people may simply insist on calling him innocent until proven guilty, but there are clearly a large number who believe Simpson is being framed by "them."

   Until there is a vaccine for paranoia, some people will insist, despite all evidence, upon the existence  of government conspiracies, UFO abductions and underwater cryptosaurian critters. But there are others who teeter between irrational disbelief and healthy skepticism, and they may still be coaxed to the truth with sufficient evidence.

   This is where "Forrest Gump" enters the picture.

   I have long been uncomfortable with bogus archival footage, those phony black-and-white television ads that either show fake "strait-laced experts" or bogus "company founders," as if what you are seeing was shot several decades ago.

   "Forest Gump" ups the ante. Instead of phony actors in bogus settings, we now have real dead folks in extremely convincing footage, doing and saying things they never did or said.

   I'm not concerned that future generations will view "Forrest Gump" as a documentary, and I respect the creators' right to be creative. Still, I worry how we in the media can convince anyone of the truth of anything while we so cheerfully demonstrate our uncanny ability to fake reality.

   At least "Forrest Gump" is presented as fiction.

   Supermarket tabloids have been using cut-and-paste photo composites of two-headed housewives and bat-children from the moon for years, and passing off this nonsense as the real thing. Now, technology has made it possible to create fraudulent pictures without the redeeming veneer of goofiness the supermarket tabloids have always possessed: Real photos and phony photos have become virtually indistinguishable.

   Sadly, real newspapers and supermarket tabloids are likewise becoming a little hard to tell apart.

   Most  newspapers, including the Press-Republican, have rules against using this commonly available technology to create misleading photographs, but it is an ability that has not gone unused at some allegedly respectable places.
   In addition to the recent TIME Magazine cover doctored to make Simpson look more sinister, Newsday drew flak during the Winter Olympics for faking a picture in which Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were shown apparently skating together.

   It's ironic that an industry so eager to pounce upon the ethical shortcomings of others is willing to barter away its own credibility for the sake of a brief flash of graphic excitement. As was pointed out in a discussion on WCFE's "The Editors," the days of "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" are now past, those innocent days when a father could tell his child that, if you read it in the newspaper, it must be true.

   You may argue whether the purpose of a free press is to provide the nation with an informed citizenry or to maximize profits by pandering to the public lust for cheap thrills, but for TIME or Newsday to stoop to the level of a supermarket tabloid is more than an insult to readers. When one of the most influential newsmagazines and a leading daily newspaper both make an editorial decision to begin manufacturing images, how long will it be before "Forrest Gump" technology becomes the standard tool for spicing up news coverage?

   I remain convinced that the majority of people who believe the unbelievable do so out of ignorance, but I am finding it harder to believe that we are winning the war against  that ignorance.

   The barbarians are not only at the gate, but they are gaining an alarming degree of control over the means of communication.

   Humanity has survived some astonishing plunges into ignorance, and I do not think that the world will end because of a debasing of the mainstream media. On the other hand, I have no particular desire to live through the next Dark Age myself, and events in Bosnia, Rwanda and elsewhere demonstrate clearly that we have not outgrown our penchant for rotten behavior. I can't help but be discouraged at anything that feeds the forces of ignorance, prejudice and fear.

   The answer, as always, lies in our children.

   The media and educators have a societal responsibility not to teach young people to accept the word of authority figures, but to teach them how to judge the validity of what they are told by any source.

   Toward that end, I applaud the growing movement among educators to reduce their reliance upon textbooks and to send students out to conduct independent research on topics of interest.

   Students must learn the difference between primary and secondary sources, and how to evaluate each.

   They must learn to distinguish error and lies, and to recognize truth.

   Meanwhile, the media is going to have to do some serious soul-searching and decide how to handle the amazing technology available to it.

   Having demonstrated our ability to produce fake photographs and videotape, and a willingness to do so, we have a grave responsibility to demonstrate some visible and credible restraint in the future.

   I know that "Forrest Gump" is fiction. Let's make sure we're all clear on what isn't.

Jack steals the king's sheep

(a Cornish folktale)

When Jack learned that the king was seeking a husband for his daughter, he was sure that he was just the man the king wanted. So he came to the castle and presented himself at the throne, declaring that he was willing to marry the princess and bring honor to the royal family.

The king looked down from his throne at the young man, who looked nothing like any prince he had ever seen. "What honor do you bring?" he asked.

"I am the most clever thief in all the realm," Jack stated. "I could steal your own sheep from under your nose."

"My sheep are well taken care of," the king said, but Jack laughed.

"Yet I could steal them," he said.

"How many do you think you could make off with?" the king asked. "After all, I lose one or two every so often to wolves or misadventure. It is nothing to me for someone to steal a few sheep. I don't even miss them. So, how many will you steal?"

"The flock," Jack said. "I will steal the whole flock."

Now the king laughed. "If you can do that, you are the world's greatest thief!"

"And worthy of your daughter?"

The king laughed even harder. "Indeed. Steal the whole flock and you will have my daughter as well!"

Jack left the castle and went directly to the shoemaker. There, he purchased a fine pair of shoes, made of soft, shining leather.

Then he went out to the highway where the king's sheep would be driven from their summer pasture to the town. He placed one of the lovely new shoes in the middle of the road, squatted over it and filled it with shit.

Jack then walked down the highway for another mile and a half, placed the other shoe in the middle of the road, hid in the woods by the roadside and went to sleep.

An hour later, the king's shepherds began to take the flock from their summer pasture into town. The two men walked down the highway with the flock of sheep, slowly working their way towards the town where the flock would be sold for a great profit.

They had walked only a short distance when they came to a shoe in the middle of the road. It was a well-made shoe of fine leather, and newly made. But someone had taken a shit in the shoe, and the two shepherds stood over it, staring and scratching their heads.

"Who would do such a thing?" one of them asked. "This is a very fine shoe! Who would ruin it like this?"

"It's disgusting," the other shepherd declared. "What sort of person would do such a thing?"

They kicked the shoe into the ditch and continued down the highway. leading their sheep to town, until, after another mile and a half, they came upon the second shoe.

This one was perfectly clean, and the two shepherds looked it over carefully. "This is a fine shoe," the first shepherd said.

"Indeed it is," the second said, and then they looked over their shoulders and down the road.

"Stay here," the first shepherd said. "I'm going to go back and get that shoe. I can clean it up and have a great new pair of shoes!"

"Why should you have the shoes?" the second shepherd said. "You kicked the first shoe into the ditch! You didn't want it!"

"You called it 'disgusting'!" the first shepherd said, and they began to argue, until suddenly the second shepherd grabbed the shoe from the road and began to run down the highway, with the first shepherd hard on his heels, shouting at him that the shoes belonged to him!

As soon as they were gone, Jack stepped out of the forest, refreshed from his nap, and led the king's sheep the rest of the way into town so he could claim his reward.

Covering Breaking News: Watching the network news tonight, the second day after bin Laden's death, they spoke about how "the story is changing." So what? When you cover breaking news, the story always changes. The first reports come from scribbled notes and from people at HQ who haven't sat down with the people who were out in the field. Once everyone settles down, the story takes clearer shape, but, by then, the news has already been reported.

Here's a breaking-news story I reported in 1991, and then the follow-up story that ran the next day, once things had settled down. Note that the incident happened at 11 a.m., about nine hours before first deadlines. This doesn't change the fact that not all the information was in, but it did allow me time to check in with the people in Philadelphia. Had it happened six hours later, the first report would have been extremely sketchy. (I actually filed the story at about 6 p.m.)

Sorry the photo isn't clearer, but it's scanned from a photocopy of the article. The editor said he was disappointed I wasn't able to get a shot of the body. I asked, "Would you have run a picture of the body?" He admitted that they wouldn't have. I love editors.

Then I had to add the paragraph about the "witnesses" who had appeared on TV saying the police had fired on the car. Note, in the second story, how much effort and space is spent disputing their version of events. If only they had had computer access, they could have been "citizen journalists." I love them, too.

You'll note that things have tightened up at the border a bit in the intervening 20 years. 

Oh, and one more thing: Editors write the headlines. I know that shotguns shoot shot.

Staff photo/Mike Peterson

State Police investigators remove a shotgun from the scene of a roadblock in West Plattsburgh that ended in death for a fugitive from Pennsylvania and Connecticut. Police had chased him from the border at Rouses Point after he had fled questioning there.

Fugitive dies in police chase

Unclear how fatal bullet was fired into out-of-state gunman

By Mike Peterson

Staff Writer

PLATTSBURGH - Blasts from Wade Rollins's shotgun ended two chases in three days.

    The first was fired at Pennsylvania State Police Cpl. King Lee, as he attempted to stop Rollins's rented 1991 Toyota Tercel in Northeast Philadelphia, in the early hours of Saturday.

    The second was fired into Rollin’s chest, as New York State Troopers and Customs officers approached his then disabled Toyota in West Plattsburgh late Monday morning.

    Rollins, 29, of Bristol. Conn., was pronounced dead at CVPH Medical Center at 11:04 a.m.. It was not clear from police reports whether the wound was intentional or the result of a mishap.

    According to Supervising Special Agent Paul Graveline of the Office of Enforcement of the U.S. Customs Service, Rollins attempted to enter the United States at the Rouses Point Port of Entry. The immigration inspector on duty identified the fugitive, notified the inspector inside and sent Rollins into the building on the pretext of a secondary customs inspection.

    Rollins left his car and went into the customs shed, but, when the inspector began to question him, bolted back outside and headed for his car.

    The inspector chased Rollins, catching up with him as he was closing the door of his car, but was unable to stop him.

    Rollins sped away from the Port of Entry and drove through Rouses Point, with two special agents from the port on his tail. Two other Customs vehicles followed a short time later, and were soon joined by State Police and Border Patrol officers.

    The chase eventually led to Interstate 87 and south toward Plattsburgh, then through the city and onto Route 3 toward West Plattsburgh.

    Customs and State Police officers set up a roadblock on Route 3, just beyond the intersection with the Rand Hill Road.

    WPTZ-TV interviewed witnesses to the ensuing confrontation who said police fired into the vehicle as it approached the roadblock at high speed, but police responded on camera with a flat denial that any police or customs officers fired their guns.

    According to State Police, Rollins attempted to crash the roadblock, which damaged the blockading vehicles but also disabled the Toyota. As officers approached the vehicle, the shotgun discharged.

    Rollins was pulled from the front seat of his car and placed on the ground. First aid was applied by the Morrisonville Rescue Squad and he was transported to the CVPH Emergency Room, where he was pronounced dead.

    State Police said four of their cars and a Customs vehicle were damaged in the pursuit and roadblock.

    According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, Rollins’s odyssey began just after 2 a.m. Saturday morning, when he was stopped in Horsham Township, Pa., for erratic driving.

    As the township police officer was arresting Rollins for failing a sobriety test, he discovered a knife in Rollins’s back pocket. He took the knife and attempted to handcuff Rollins, hut Rollins fought back and managed to get to his car and escape.

    He then led local and state police on a 12-mile chase into Philadelphia. Cpl. Lee picked up the chase and pursued Rollins down the Pennsylvania Turnpike, through a set of tollbooths and into the city.

    Rollins pulled around a corner, stopped the car and got out, and. as Lee's cruiser turned the corner, pointed the shotgun at the officer Lee stopped his car and dove across the seat as the blast shattered his windshield, showering him with glass fragments.

    Lee emerged and returned fire with his .357 magnum revolver as Rollins, who was already sought by New Haven. Conn. authorities for firearms violations, fled. 
    Pennsylvania authorities put his name and description out on a national network of police agencies, which led to his identification when he attempted to cross the border.

    Plattsburgh and Chazy State Police BCI investigators are attempting to trace the route that brought Rollins from eastern Pennsylvania to the Canadian border.

Death at roadblock following chase ruled a suicide

By Mike Peterson

Staff Writer

PLATTSBURGH - A day after Wade Rollins died at a police roadblock in West Plattsburgh, killed in the front seat of a rented car by his own shotgun in what the coroner has now ruled a suicide, there was still little known about where the 29-year-old Connecticut man spent the last two days of his life.

    However, some discrepancies had begun to clear up by Tuesday:

    One witness, who had earlier told WPTZ that police had fired on the car as it approached their barricade, told police investigators that she had heard only one shot, apparently the shot that killed Rollins. The second of Channel 5’s witnesses, Steve Mason, said he had spoken with police and would have no further comment.     "It's a small town. I've got to live here. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut, OK?" he said.

Denies police fired

    New York State Police Senior Investigator Steve Pendergast insisted no shots were fired by police or customs officers, and a superficial examination of the dead man's rented car at the scene of the confrontation suggested it had not been hit by gunfire. Pendergast said police have spoken with Mason, and he has now told them he only heard one gunshot.

    The windshield of the white Toyota Tercel showed a small impact fracture, but there was no damage to the windows on the three sides of the vehicle approachable during the investigation, while the only apparent body damage appeared to have come from impact with police and Customs vehicles. There were no apparent punctures of the body metal that could have been bullet holes.

    By contrast, when Rollins fired his shotgun through the windshield of a Pennsylvania state trooper's car Saturday morning, the windshield was reportedly destroyed. Corporal King Lee, who had ducked out of the line of fire, was showered with and cut by bits of glass as he lay across the front seat of the vehicle.

Travels a mystery

    It was not clear why Rollins was in the Philadelphia area.

    The Philadelphia Inquirer had reported Sunday that Rollins was sought by New Haven. Conn., authorities for firearms violations, but detectives in New Haven told the Press-Republican they had no information on him.

    A reporter with Rollins’s hometown paper in Bristol, Conn., however, said that, while Bristol police records showed no arrests for Rollins in the past two years, he was wanted there on various charges relating to family violence. According to Mark Anderson of the Bristol Press, Rollins’s wife, Arline, had sworn out a complaint for a Feb. 26 incident in which she alleged that Rollins had beaten her, their four-year-old daughter and their two-year-old son.

    The complaint charged that Rollins had beaten her throughout their 10-year marriage, and that the children had also been beaten before the date of the complaint.

Rented from Hertz

    Pendergast said Rollins rented the Toyota from a Hertz counter at Bradley International Airport in Hartford, Conn., Feb. 20, nearly a week before the date of the alleged episode of family violence for which he was sought.

    But, while the car was overdue, there was apparently no active effort being made to recover it.

    Rollins’s whereabouts in the 55 hours between the confrontation with Pennsylvania authorities and his appearance at Rouses Point remain unknown. Trooper Roger Hoffman of the Pennsylvania State Police said there had been an unconfirmed sighting of the Toyota in Philadelphia Saturday night, but no other indications of where he might have been.

    Ironically, Rollins appeared at the U.S. border, apparently coming from Canada, on the day Canada announced it was experimenting with express lanes at its border with the United States. While Rollins would not have qualified for express-lane treatment, Canadian authorities would not have any record of his entry unless he attracted attention in some way, such as by declaring purchases.

Alert issued

    Pennsylvania authorities had issued a nationwide alert for Rollins, which resulted in his identification at Rouses Point when an immigration official entered his license number into a computer. But Canadian border stations are not equipped with computers, and border authorities are only furnished with information on cars that are expected to attempt to cross into Canada, according to a Canadian official.

    "These kinds of cases happen,” admitted Patricia Birkett, manager for Canadian Immigration at La Colle. Quebec. "The question is, do we stop every person? Do we have every license plate number on a computer? We don't have the facilities for that. That's the way it is between our two countries: We have an open border, and, most of the time, it works."

May have turned back

    Pendergast said it was possible that Rollins never entered Canada, that he approached the crossing from the Rouses Point side, realized he would have to clear Canadian Customs, and turned back, only to discover he now had to go through the US port of entry.

    Pendergast said Rollins had enough funds at the time of his death to suggest he would not leave a trail of credit card slips. None of the cash, he said, was Canadian.

news stories copyright 1991, the Press-Republican, Plattsburgh, NY